Trying Something New
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I’m a female in my mid-30s and slowly starting to realize that, despite decades of heterosexuality, I might also be attracted to women. I live in a small town and everyone knows each other. I really don’t know how to explore this. I’m kind of scared of anyone I know seeing my face on the apps, especially since I’m not quite coming out—just trying to experiment. How does one dip their toes in the proverbial “lady pool” for the first time when it feels like it could blow up your whole life?
A: I totally get why exploring your attraction to women is difficult for you. Being in a small town where everyone knows your business can be disconcerting. Being discreet and maintaining your privacy might be a bit challenging. You might want to look into specific dating apps that allow you to control who sees your profile (ex: make it only visible to other women), and apps for the LGBTQ+ community. You can also create a profile that doesn’t show your face, and under another name. You should consider exploring your attractions outside of your own town. Look for LGBTQ events/meet ups that you could go to. You can also find support groups/communities online to connect with others, get advice, etc. I would also look into finding a Queer-friendly therapist that will give you a safe space to discuss your sexuality and feelings and offer you some guidance.
Extreme Kinks
Q: A few weeks ago, my girlfriend told me that she wanted to confess some of her kinks to me. We’ve talked about stuff like this before, but she said that this was stuff she had yet to share with me. She asked me if it was okay to tell me them, and really went on about how I didn’t have to say yes to them, let alone say yes to hearing about them.
I told her to go ahead. So, she has more than an “interest” in scat play. She went into a lot of detail about all the activities she wanted to try…and I was really shocked.
My knee-jerk reaction was to tell her that I wasn’t interested in doing anything she’d mentioned. She accepted it immediately. But the next time we went to have sex, I wasn’t able to get hard. We’ve tried a few times since then and it’s just not working. She’s really frustrated because she thinks I’m disgusted with her. What can I do to get past this?
A: Firstly, for the benefit of our readers, a definition of scat play is needed. Scat play is also known as scatophilia or coprophilia and is a sexual fetish involving the use of feces in sexual activities. This could involve smearing poop on the body or even ingesting it. Clearly, this is quite the taboo fetish and is actually not very common. Your girlfriend obviously feels quite safe with you if she shared this taboo kink with you. Unfortunately, sharing sexual fantasies can also have negative consequences. It’s hard not to judge a behavior that we have trouble understanding or that we consider gross. This can lead to exactly what happened to you—changes in how you perceive her or not knowing what to do with this information. I do wonder if your girlfriend can live with never acting out this fantasy. This would require more discussion together. You can let her know how you feel but reassure her that you love her and that you need time to process this information. Maybe for now focus on intimacy together rather than sexuality, and let that bit of information fade into the background. If you feel you can’t get past it, maybe talk to a sex therapist together.