Fighting Styles
Q: I’ve reached an impasse in my relationship and I finally realized what the problem is—but I don’t know how to fix it, or whether I should. I tried to avoid fighting in relationships. When I used to fight with exes, I tried my best to work through the issues immediately so that we could move on. And I can be very dramatic about certain things, I know, but one thing that I am never hysterical about is breaking up. When I break up with someone, I mean it. From that moment on, it is over. And when someone breaks up with me, I treat it the same way, and give them their space and try not to call them.
My current boyfriend, however, is the complete opposite. He is way more prone to arguments and fighting than anyone I’ve ever dated. He is happy to stop looking at texts in the middle of an argument and to mute me until the next morning. And recently, when he disagreed with me, he said “Well, if that’s how you feel, then it’s over.” Because of every other experience I’ve ever had, I took that seriously. I told my friends we broke up. But the next morning he called me and apologized and said he was angry and that he didn’t mean it and that we should still be together. I accepted his apology, but the next week when we got into another disagreement I could tell he was close to doing the same thing all over again.
So, we very clearly have different attitudes toward arguments, fighting, and break-ups. My question is: can two people who treat these things so differently actually have a long-term relationship? He seems to thrive when we’re bickering, and while I can hold my own, I find it embarrassing and exhausting.
A: The ability to resolve conflict in a relationship is a crucial element of a healthy union. It’s not whether or not you argue, but rather how these arguments are managed. Threatening to leave a relationship when things don’t go your way, or you can’t agree is clearly not healthy. Sometimes people need a little space to process and to calm down, which is why maybe he ‘mutes’ you. We don’t need to have the same style of argumentation, but we do need to hear each other out and work as a team to resolve disagreements. The two of you may need professional help so you can both learn effective communication skills. And to answer your question as to whether such a relationship can work long term, the answer is YES as long as you are both willing to work on it. Good communication involves approaching things as a team instead of as adversaries, active listening, validating feelings, respect (so no name calling), empathy, compassion, appropriate timing, problem solving rather than blaming, and consistency. Both of you need to commit to the process, practice these skills, and be self aware.
Throwing In The Towel
Q: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five years now. It’s my only long-term relationship. We were really in love, but in the past year we’ve spent most of our time fighting about everything under the sun. We used to talk about getting married and having children together. We promised to spend our lives together. I meant what I said. And I’ve tried to put in effort to make things better. So has he, to be honest. But it’s still pretty miserable. How do you know when to continue versus when to give up and break up when you’ve made such a serious promise to one another?
A: I see you are in a difficult dilemma. Unfortunately, 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, and these marriages were once full of love and promise too. Sadly, love is not enough to keep a relationship going long term. Some things to consider when deciding whether to stay and try to work it out or leave include:
- Can you guys talk about the issues, your expectations and each of your perspectives?
- Do you share fundamental values and align on your long term goals?
- Is there trust and respect?
- Does the relationship consistently cause you stress, anxiety and unhappiness?
- Do you bring out the best in each other? Does the relationship help each of you grow?
- Can you resolve problems/conflicts together?
- Is there abusive behavior, manipulation and lack of trust?
The decision to stay or go is obviously a very personal one that requires a lot of self reflection. You both might want to take a little break from each other to think about what you need, what the issues are, etc. Furthermore, seeking professional help is a good place to start. Couples therapy might help you figure out what the issues are and if the issues can be resolved, and it may illuminate the best direction you should take.