Love Bombing
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I keep hearing this term and I don’t fully know what it means—love bombing.
Based on what I’ve read, I still don’t know if I’m experiencing it or if my partner is giving me a normal amount of affection. Would you be able to give examples? Anywhere from a little toxic to very, very scary toxic.
A: This term is usually associated with narcissism. It is considered a manipulative tactic used to win someone over. It involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention and declarations of love early on in the relationship. The person generally makes you feel like you are “the one,” the best thing since sliced bread, etc. They tend to idealize their partner, which can feel like they are creating a strong emotional connection. The person usually wants to move the relationship quickly into a commitment. They often act obsessively like calling and texting very often, and are demanding of your time. They may get upset if you want to spend time with family and friends instead of them. When you are being love bombed, it can feel quite flattering. Unfortunately, it is a way to get control of the other person. Oftentimes, this seemingly loving behavior diminishes drastically and can turn into forms of abuse. This is a very toxic relationship dynamic. Take the time to really evaluate the relationship. And get the input of your friends and family. Beware the love bomber!
The Real Red Flags
Q: After hearing people talk about sex and dating, it seems to me like a lot of the language about relationships has lost its meaning. One phrase that comes up a lot is “red flag.” I haven’t really dated anyone before so I don’t have any of my own, but to hear women say that red flags for men can include:
- Not paying for the first date
- Having platonic female friends
- Not dropping everything when their girlfriend says so
- Following women on Instagram
I know everyone has a different view of relationships, but these all seem to be kind of trivial to me, where actual “red flags” should be indicators that the person you’re dating isn’t a good person to be with. Do you have any concrete examples of actual red flags that can make or break a relationship, not just picky preferences?
A: I like the way you think! I agree with you that the above examples, in and of themselves, do not indicate anything major. As a relationship therapist, I look at healthy vs. unhealthy relationships.
Here are some unhealthy signs:
- Poor communication where you don’t feel safe to express your thoughts and needs
- When a partner is controlling
- Excessive jealousy and insecurity
- Disrespectful behavior like name calling, belittling, or not caring about others’ opinions
- Manipulative behavior
- Lack of trust
- Physical or emotional abuse
These are things that one might notice once in a relationship. Below are some early warning signs or red flags to look for:
- Love bombing—when a relationship moves too fast
- A partner who wants you to spend all your time with them (leading to ignoring your family or friends)
- A partner who makes all the decisions and wants things done only their way
- A partner who expresses jealousy early on
- Someone who ignores your boundaries
- A partner who is inconsistent, unpredictable and unreliable
- A partner who is very critical or focused mostly on physical appearance
Of course, this is not an exhaustive list. Pay attention to your gut as well, and ask yourself how that person makes you feel. Do they make you feel special, loved, admired, listened to? Just a few things to pay attention to.