Leaving The Past In The Past
Q: I recently started dating again after getting out of a long relationship. So long, in fact, that it was my only relationship. It ended poorly and it’s definitely not something I’m going to talk about with a romantic partner until we’re really serious. But I find that the women that I’m going out with behave in the opposite way.
Often when I’m on a first or second or third date with a woman, she’ll casually drop something like “Oh, when my ex and I went to France…” or “I went on a date here last month.” I know I’m out of practice but it’s so weird to me to mention any sort of past relationship in the context of a new one. Is this an old-fashioned or crazy thing to fixate on? To me it seems like they’re dwelling on something unresolved—should I say that to them? Basically: is it normal to talk about past relationships or is it a bad sign?
A: The examples you have given don’t really demonstrate that these women have unresolved feelings. These are said in casual conversation, assuming that everyone has a past. Some people are just more open about such things and it is not a big deal for them to talk about their past. If a person were to go into major details about their break up or their ex early on, then you would have a point. These kinds of conversations are normal, but only when a certain level of trust and comfort have been established or earned. Telling a date that you think they have unresolved feelings for an ex will not get you a second date! It’s not your place to make such assertions (even if you happen to be right).
Getting Over It
Q: I got divorced about a year and a half ago after 20 years of marriage. In the end, things weren’t great, and I thought that finally calling it quits would be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. We split our assets, I moved out, and I prepared for my new life. I was even excited that I’d addressed a problem in my life and fixed it so effectively. I got on the apps, went on dates. I even dated a couple different women for 3-4 months before we realized “it” wasn’t there and broke up amicably.
I should be happy, I’m living the life I dreamed of for the last 5-10 years of my marriage. But I still can’t quite get over my old life and my old relationship. Even though we had problems that put the irreconcilable in irreconcilable differences, I miss my ex-wife. I miss the home we shared together and our life, from dinners at night to family activities on the weekends.
I guess what I’m asking is… does it get better? Is it just a matter of time, where I will be able to appreciate my new life eventually? Or is this a sign I made a mistake? Does everyone who goes through a divorce feel this way? Or have I uniquely screwed myself here?
A: Going through a divorce is very difficult for many people. It is a loss, so there is the experience of grief. Many people do feel the way you feel, often experiencing loneliness and sadness around the lifestyle they left behind (family life, our home, etc.). Some people do experience regret, especially if they did not try to resolve their issues, often with the help of a couple’s therapist. Have you talked to your ex wife about your feelings? Is she open to such a conversation? Could there be an opening to try and resolve the issues? Many a couple, even after a divorce, have remarried. If getting back together is not even on the table, then learning to make peace with your decision is important. In time, you will likely meet someone else that is compatible with you. If you are having trouble moving on, then speaking to a therapist may be helpful.