Sex After Birth
Q: I wanted to know about relationships after pregnancy. I’m having a hard time letting go of my anger towards my husband. He didn’t help as I expected or needed. He was angry because I didn’t breastfeed my daughter and he chose to be vengeful with me and not help. 17 months later he admitted it. There’s a lot more but this one thing really bothering me.
A: First of all, congratulations on your new addition! Having a newborn can have a significant impact on a relationship for a number of reasons. Even though having a baby is a wonderful event, it can also cause strain in a relationship. During this time of babyhood, we often experience sleep deprivation (which can make us irritable); a shift in our priorities (which can make the partner feel neglected); difficulty with finding time for ourselves and the couple; conflicts around division of responsibilities with the home and the baby; arguments over differing expectations; changes in sexual intimacy; just to name a few.
You bring up a particular challenge—a difference in expectations. It’s vital to have open communication at this time, truly listening to each other. Clearly you felt he should have done more, and he felt you should have breastfed. Both of you need to hear each other out with compassion. Letting go of resentment is also important to maintain a healthy relationship. You may both need help from a neutral third party to help you navigate through this difficult time in a safe environment, like a therapist’s office. You may also find it helpful to join a support group for new parents.
Playing Hard To Get?
Q: I’m a 40-year-old male, and my girlfriend is 42 years old. I’m feeling quite confused by a situation that has been ongoing for the past two years in our four-year relationship. Whenever I suggest we have sex, my girlfriend often claims to be tired and insists that she’s not as energetic as I am.
However, when we do have sex, she becomes very passionate and expresses her love for me intensely, assuring me that she’s completely devoted to me. When I inquire about her initial reluctance and complaints of tiredness, she explains that she does it to make things a bit challenging, as a way of playing hard to get, even though I satisfy her deeply.
I’m struggling to understand this behavior. I would greatly appreciate any insights or advice on this matter.
A: I would suggest another hypothesis. Knowing women, and how women’s desire often works in long term relationships, I would propose that, like most women, her desire is not spontaneous but rather responsive in nature. This means that her desire kicks in once you begin to stimulate her. This means that she has to actually choose to have sex, rather than waiting to feel horny for it. Please watch this TEDx talk I did on the subject.