This year, groundbreaking author Esther Perel released her highly anticipated book, The State of Affairs, a fearless deep dive into the mostly frequently practiced relationship taboo. In it, Perel asks the reader to answer what you might assume is a simple question.
What is an affair?
Is it sex? It’s certainly the common denominator. More people agree that sex with someone outside your relationship is a clear trust violation than any other behavior. But what is sex? Is it oral? Kissing? Or what if you have an unexpected orgasm during a lap dance?
What if you give yourself an orgasm while watching porn?
The thing about having constant access to your own genitals is that pleasure is always just a few touches away. Given that most of us have enough privacy (or not) and time (or not), we could feel at least a temporary spurt or splash of pleasure. Are our partners entitled to know if and when we privately exercise that sexual freedom? What if that moment of self-pleasure is aided by porn?
Do you know whether your partner is cool with you looking at porn? Have you talked about it? Because you probably should. It’s a crucial move to learn whether you share the same sexual values early on in a relationship. But if, like many of us, you were too young to know what they were at the time or you’ve changed over the years, then if your partner learns you watch porn, it could be a bit of a shock. Maybe even a betrayal. If you’re not hurting her, should you tell your partner?
This isn’t a question with one answer. You could choose to tell your partner or not, but it’s important to understand your own motives. Maybe you feel conflicted about your own porn use or guilty about it. Telling your partner isn’t going to change your porn watching behaviors. If you feel conflicted about porn, then that’s personal work only you can do. Be cautious before you make that choice. You may feel better after you disclose, but your partner may feel terrible. The burden hasn’t left, it’s just shifted.
Even if porn is a little…exaggerated at times, it’s still an entertainment medium that reflects what the consumer enjoys. That means your deviant little mind likes the porn you watch. This can be a good reason to talk to your partner about porn. Maybe it’s a way for him to learn about what you enjoy.
If you know for a fact that your partner wouldn’t like you watching porn, that may mean you have a value system that doesn’t allow for things like watching people have sex. Either you’re doing something you believe is wrong, or that you have serious questions about your own value system. Which do you think is more important for him to understand: why you love your favorite amateur video so much or the fact that you’re going through a serious moral conflict?
If you choose to disclose, you should do it to benefit both of you, not just your partner or you. Your intention should be to invite your partner into your world, not to relieve guilt or to manipulate her into doing something she’s not comfortable with. Your emotions will probably feel mixed. It’s okay to feel a little anxious about revealing something so personal, but be careful when you feel shame. If shame is directing your actions, then it’s a good bet you’ll regret it later.
Only you can decide whether to tell your partner that you enjoy watching porn. Like most things, the disclosure could be helpful or it could hurt, depending on your intention. The trick is being real. Authenticity doesn’t always mean transparency. Examine your intentions carefully. That’ll usually make the decision easier.